CARVD Business Cards


Though it’s not something that I’m overly proud of, despite its immensely lucrative nature, I used to work as a forestry arms dealer. If you haven’t heard of this profession, there are two potential reasons – the first of which is that I’ve just made it up and, secondly, it is even blacker than the blackest of black markets and cladestine to the extreme. Anyhow, permit me to explain – a forestry arms dealer supplies weaponry to woodland critters in the age old battle that rages between squirrels, hedgehogs, voles, moles, rabbits and, the most ruthless and bloodthirsty of the woodland warlords, the shrew. Which certainly take some taming, let me tell you. So, basically, I’d supply these evil little bastards with any weaponry that I could get my hands on – which typically varied from ricin soaked conkers to pinecone grenades. Anyway, woodland critters are, by their nature, not the most trusting bunch and, as an arms dealer, you need to do something to garner their trust. In order to do this, I began using these, quite frankly awesome, CARVD Business Cards which are carved (wait, I get the name! Well done me) from wood. It was small touches like this that saw me infiltrate WWIV (Woodland War IV for the unitiated) and I shifted more weapons than you could shake a stick at (sticks being in plentiful supply after my pinecone grenades blew up a shit tonne of trees).


When my supply line to the more heavy duty weapons dried up, I typically distributed mallets and bits of bark. The stupider of the woodland animals barely noticed.

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