Fuck Off Business Cards

f off card

I like to think that I positively exude professionalism at all times and my reputation in the world of business is nothing short of exemplary. I credit my considerable popularity on LinkedIn and at job recruitment agencies to the way I handle myself in business meetings with high-powered “Heads-Of” from leading ecommerce companies the world over. I wow them with my deep and unparalleled knowledge of all things digital, string them along by telling them everything they want to hear and how great their business model is and then, when we are all exchanging pleasantries at the end of the meeting, I will cooly slide one of these Fuck Off Business Cards across the table. The shock and tension is immediately palpable – now that I’ve got them against the ropes, I go in with my opening gambit:

Me: Your new ecommerce website. £1 billion minimum. Talk to me.

Head of Digital: Errrrm – does that card tell us to fuck off?

Me: It does.

Head of Digital: Our business is yours and you, sir, are a gem.

* I nod knowingly and slide another Fuck Off Business Card across the table *

And that lady (I only have one lady reader I believe) and gentleman is how to conduct yourself in the world of business. You’re welcome.

f off envelope

This will be good for posting out CVs and that.

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