You Have Just Been Poisoned Glass

poison glass

Though I don’t publicise the fact on my CV, I used to work as an assassin. No big deal. Just paid the bills. As is the case with most assassins, I had a bit of a calling card to let the other assassins know that I’d carried out the hit because, in the assassin fraternity, that’s just good etiquette. My calling card of choice was one of these awesome You Have Just Been Poisoned Glasses – despite the fact that I seldom poisoned my prey (poison is expensive), I normally just twatted them on the head with something heavy. Anyway, as with most professions, the assassination game was hit pretty hard by the recession. We assassins were pawning our garrotes, sneaking shoes, disguises and that left, right and centre. Most assassins ended up working in call centres, Nandos and that but I stuck at it, however, but, in order to stand out that bit more and to drum up a bit more direct business, I had to amend my calling card a little to read:

You Have Just Been Poisoned. By Leo Davie.


Buy 3 Assassinations, Get 1 Free.

No Fatties.

Business, as you would expect, boomed but then I started putting my phone number on the glass as well. Police seemed pretty pissed and asked me to stop.


I had to use pint glasses to take down the big game. Hence the “no fatties” caveat.

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