Warrior Gnomes

Viking Garden Gnome

Though you wouldn’t know it to look at them, moles are devious, vicious bastards and, once they have set up home in your garden, they’re in it for the long-haul. I remember, when I was growing up, we had this family of moles that, I think but can’t confirm, used our garden as a holiday home because I’m sure that I saw the same set of moles in an adjacent garden 9 months of the year but then they would rock up in ours in summer (we had a pond). Anyway, what I’m saying is that I hate moles because they ruined our garden with their mountainous dwelling and made my footballing endeavours a nightmare and, almost certainly, resulted in me failing to make the grade as a professional footballer. And I’m placing some of my obesity complaints at their door too. Anyhow, I’ve digressed once again, basically what I’m saying is that if I had one of these awesome Viking Gnomes patrolling the perimeter of my garden as a child to whack any moles that crossed his path, I’d be writing this post from a lounger on my gold-plated swimming pool because I’d be getting paid £200k a week to bang in the goals for Real Madrid. Fuck you, moles!!!

Warrior Gnome

The fact that the gnomes insisted on giving each of the moles they squash a Viking funeral meant, unfortunately, that our pond was filled with flaming moles the majority of the summer.

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