Nike Blazer Trainers

I’m 31 now and I’m patently not getting any younger (though, strangely, my maturity plateaued about 15 years ago) and I’m starting to realise that my chances of becoming a professional football (soccer) player are beginning to dwindle. To be honest, I have done very little to help facilitate this dream – I drink copiously, I am entirely lacking in drive and motivation, I don’t smoke but it might as well be if the tidal volume of my lungs is anything to go by and, perhaps crucially, I’m not good enough to be a footballer.

So, it is abundantly clear that the time has come to put a pin in my footballing career aspirations and focus on a goal entirely more realistic. With this in mind, I’ve decided to become a professional NBA star instead. I have all the physical attributes needed to be a success in this sporting arena. People call me “Stretch” because I’m a whopping 5ft10in, I have the physique of a Greek adonis and have former NBA star, David Charlton, teaching me all that I need to know.

I will, however, obviously need the right equipment to crack the NBA “big leagues” and the most important thing for an NBA player isn’t talent, height, skill, drive or any of that bullshit – it’s the shoes he wears. And that, sir, is why I will be busted out a pair of these awesome Nike Blazer Trainers when I make my professional NBA debut in the next week or so.

Update: My agent just called me and said that nobody picked me in the draft. Which is weird. Because I’m ace at the hoops.

My performance may have been hindered by me buying size 19 to try and fit in with the rest of the chaps in the NBA.