Nike Hypervenom Football Boots

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When you’re as accomplished as I on the football pitch, it may seem quite arrogant to draw attention to your excellence with a brightly coloured pair of football boots but, you know, I’m a bit of dick so I don’t have any qualms about doing exactly that. Although, true be told, this self confidence may be a little misplaced given that I peaked at the age of 14 with a trial with a second division football club and scored a rather impressive own-goal and performed horrendously in general. Now, some 17 years later, I feel that I’m now in a position to wear such footwear on the pitch again – despite the fact that my drunkenness, general lack of nimbleness and fatness has led to me changing positions from nippy winger to obese goal-filler.

I still think I warrant a pair of these eye-catching Nike Hypervenom Football Boots from Tony Pryce Sports, however, because much like the inimitable Rene Higuita, I do a lot of stupid shit between the sticks and don’t just do the bread and butter of stopping the ball going in the net (that’s pretty much the one thing I can’t do). I’ve found that a brightly coloured pair of boots is excellent at distracting the opponents strikers as is yelling stuff like “Your momma’s so fat, when she wears yellow, people shout TAXI at her”.

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If I ever tackle you on the football pitch, this is the last thing you’ll see.

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