Nike Hypervenom Football Boots

When you’re as accomplished as I on the football pitch, it may seem quite arrogant to draw attention to your excellence with a brightly coloured pair of football boots but, you know, I’m a bit of dick so I don’t have any qualms about doing exactly that. Although, true be told, this self confidence may be a little misplaced given that I peaked at the age of 14 with a trial with a second division football club and scored a rather impressive own-goal and performed horrendously in general. Now, some 17 years later, I feel that I’m now in a position to wear such footwear on the pitch again – despite the fact that my drunkenness, general lack of nimbleness and fatness has led to me changing positions from nippy winger to obese goal-filler.

I still think I warrant a pair of these eye-catching Nike Hypervenom Football Boots from Tony Pryce Sports, however, because much like the inimitable Rene Higuita, I do a lot of stupid shit between the sticks and don’t just do the bread and butter of stopping the ball going in the net (that’s pretty much the one thing I can’t do). I’ve found that a brightly coloured pair of boots is excellent at distracting the opponents strikers as is yelling stuff like “Your momma’s so fat, when she wears yellow, people shout TAXI at her”.

If I ever tackle you on the football pitch, this is the last thing you’ll see.