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Rhino Shield
I remember, back in the day, when I could play Snake on my indestructible Nokia mobile phone one minute whilst shouting “Oi, catch” to my brother as I toss it to him from the top of a tree or some shit, only to see it bounce, utterly unscathed, from the ground like a proper tough […]
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Nike Hypervenom Football Boots
When you’re as accomplished as I on the football pitch, it may seem quite arrogant to draw attention to your excellence with a brightly coloured pair of football boots but, you know, I’m a bit of dick so I don’t have any qualms about doing exactly that. Although, true be told, this self confidence may […]
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GTA V
I have long since suspected that I have criminal tendencies ever since I lay in wait in the bushes to carjack my brother’s Go-Kart at the age of about 8. Given he is three years older than me and roughly twice my size, said carjacking didn’t go altogether too well a hasty retreat was beaten. […]
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Hans Solo Carbonite Light Switch
Jabba the Hutt was a bit of a vindictive bastard in all honesty – he definitely wasn’t one of those “jolly” fatties like me – he was more your “throw them in the pit with that big shit-off monster” fatty. He blates wasn’t eating enough carbs like me. Carbs make everything better. Anyhow, I digress […]
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Pretentious Beer Glasses
I’m a bit of a knob when I drink, truth be told. I start doing the Robot (under the mistaken impression that what I’m doing resembles a robot), I speak increasingly louder without noticing that I’m doing so and I demand to stop at every takeaway on the way home for a portion of cheesy […]
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TW Steel Canteen Watch
If I were a vehicle, I’d probably be a stealth bomber. I’m incredibly inconspicuous, I’m painfully cool and I’m often used in convert missions to spy on other countries and that. At least, I would be a stealth bomber were it not for the fact that I discovered Guinness and became a noisy, uncoordinated, deeply conspicuous mess. […]